Yes, I am a control freak. I cannot help but seek total control of myself at all times. I cannot stand the thought of externalities of this probabilistic world carrying out some absurd stochastic determinations on my glorified fate.
What is control, I ask. Is it politically incorrect with reference to an individual – I, me, and myself? If not, then why is there a stigma attached to control freaks like me? I only want to preserve the innermost sanctum sanctorum of my thoughts, desires, passions and motivations. Does this make me a closed individual, shut out from the outside world, hiding away the essence of my existence from prying eyes and poking noses all around? Does this make me incapable of loving and/or being loved, I wonder.
A larger and more pertinent issue is - does the willingness to control my inner self run the risk of spilling over into controlling external entities as well?
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I hate the world of pretentious ostentation. I want to be a child once again. I want to return to innocence. I want to experience the joy of not knowing, of not caring about right or wrong, of being able to cry at will and laugh without any rhyme or reason. I want to forget that mind exists in order to rationalize the world around itself. I want to remember only that I am inherently programmed to act on instinct, to react on impulse. But alas! I am a prisoner of the mind.
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